Steady But Surely

Yesterday was the first day of a new life for me. It wasn't easy getting used to it, and it only got slightly easier getting used to it today.

Albeit I am certain that no matter how miniscule the increments in the facility for my new life-style may be with each subsequent day, the ultimate accumulation over the course of the following months will definitely bring me many steps closer to being a more productive and efficient indivdual. Indeed, even within a few weeks, I will be a much more disciplined individual than I was when I started. I am at any rate slighty more disciplined today than I was yesterday, how ever tiny the improvement.

I had the hotel give me a wake-up call the night before last, I answered it at the time specified the following morning, and went back to sleep for another two-and-a-half hours. I began my weight training routine and did some jogging. I also did some reading and a bit of writing, even though I didn't post my blog for the day.

Last night I had the hotel schedule me in for another wake-up call. This time I awoke 2 hours later than prescribed -- just a half hour improvement, but an improvement nonetheless. My hesitation for my required daily work-out waned pronouncedly while my will to carry it out strengthened noticeably. I did quite a bit of reading and a lot more writing than yesterday. My scheduling style, and my appreciation for it, has improved considerably as well.

I am also much more resolute in working from a position of strength than from one of weakness. I have a strong feeling that I will cut my procrastination time of getting out of bed from two hours to none by tomorrow. I will keep you posted, my dear Blog.

A Woman After All

It's been a little under two weeks since I've last visited you, my faithful Blog. I know you won't criticize me as I return to gush forth before you my mistakes and reflections of the past fortnight. Only you allow me a forum to set my thoughts straight, only you gaze at me from a gently patient countenance, and only you provide a sympathetic ear to my unjust trials and insufferable tribulations as reported to you by me. I thank you profusely for being there by my side:

Well, as I last logged down: my one-time goddess reentered my life as I exited minimum-wage monotony and degradation. My ode to her in Apotheosis remains an idealization of the way I wish I could show her my love instead of the way I actually do love her. She is no longer my goddess nor is she my one-time goddess, which in no way is a demotion in my esteem of her, but rather it is a promotion; she has been elevated to the stature of human: a person, a woman with idiosyncrasies and traits that make her unique and special, worthy of understanding and loving, capable of making mistakes and deserving of being forgiven and understood despite those mistakes, mistakes which make her the one person who stands out amongst the rest and the reason I love her so. She will no longer be referred to here as a being to be held in the unforgiving scrutiny of divine expectation, but rather as a woman to be held in the loving regard of someone who is imperfect but who is nonetheless very dear to me. In consideration of this new view of my Nancy, she will now be referred to affectionately as Betty Boop.

Much has happened to test our dedication to each other. But alas, too little sunshine emanates from me, and not enough water pours forth from her to nourish our enfeebled love sprout. All that we have aplenty, my Betty Boop and I, is ample supplies of fertilizer; and so we are left with a malnourished seedling of love and a heap of shit in lieu of the great happiness that awaits inside our now meager love-shoot, a bud that begs for all the three ingredients to help it blossom into the loving relationship it is capable of being and that instead has been provisioned only the excrement we were fed as youths.

I know not if I will have the opportunity to cultivate the love between us. I hope we can try to till our land of love once again and that it has not become a barren land of waste. Much shit spilled forth from me this past weekend; nonetheless, I will harness the life-giving sunshine that resides within me. I only hope that my better half is able to well the life-sustaining water that lies within her.

I reached one milestone today on my journey to self-discovery. I learned that my humility has its limits. I came to this realization in a simple little eatery on Lindbrook Ave. in Westwood, CA, named Daphne's Greek Cafe.

The idea and intention behind my seeking employment was simple enough: I was going to claw my way to a higher work ethic; and I needed to do this from the ground up. I mean, after all, working with the common people, my people, would surely help me get in touch with my humble side; moreover, it would help me understand at a gut level the nobility of the minimum wage earner, who scrubs, and cleans, and swallows his/her pride for the simple honor of earning an honest buck.

I worked two shifts at Daphne's: an evening shift from 5pm to 10pm last night Monday, and a lunch shift from 11am to 2pm today Tuesday. Well, at least I made it to 1:30pm before quitting. Which was more like my being fired; or even more like the shift manager and me coming to a mututal understanding, since I let her know that I needed to be somewhere at 1:30pm, that vague "somewhere" being a job interview down the street at the Mann's Theater, and she saying that was not possible, and me doing it anyway, and she declaring that I should turn in my all-important uniform, which is really just a T-shirt and a name tag, if I did leave and me acquiescing to that decree with a pat on her shoulder and a meek apology.

The irony is that the manager let me know before hiring me that the small cafe is named after a goddess in Greek mythology. I don't know if she was correct regarding the tiny eatery's namesake, but my one-time goddess was there to meet me upon my resignation-slash-dismissal from Daphne's.

What I learned from that I will ruminate over tonight and post tomorrow.

Apotheosis

I recently broke up with a woman who has been pivotal in my life, and with whom I have shared a very bumpy roller-coaster ride in this amusement park of life. I don't know if she will ever read it. But I needed to tell her; and yet it's best that I don't at this point in my life; at least not directly. And so I run to my dear blog; to which I in fact with this same soliloquy give birth; for solace, and to find in my newborn blog a sympathetic ear.
Thank you for being there for me in my time of need, my dear Blog:

There isn't one waking moment that I don't think of you, my one-time goddess, whom I have once again cast into the realm of humans.

You are merely human again thanks to the trials and tribulations that this cursed reality we call life hath thrown our way...you were, and have always been, and still are, the woman for whom I left my settled life.

And I love you.

I still do.

You are no different from who you were when I professed my love to you the very first time on that fateful summer of 2001; and when I professed my love to you again, knowing all that I knew, on that equally fateful summer of 2004, when we were young.

But yet still, I have recently developed the notion that we are so different, when it was those so-called differences in you that I once exalted; I've said that it is wrong for you to be a certain way, when it was those same wrongs that aroused so much passion within my heart for you; I've condemned you for certain traits of yours, traits over which I at one time revered you.

Confusion! Turmoil! Chaos!

These have been the subversive tyrants of emotions that have reigned in my heart, and these relentless tyrants have raged havoc on the Garden of Eden that you and I have created, and that only you and I could have created; but destroy that Garden those merciless minions of deceit have not done, for that Place of Eden that you and I built is love in its truest sense, and those devils of deceit are no match for true love.

I know I love you, and I know I always will. But I have to go forth with my quest to learn; to know about myself; to grow. It's only by going forward with this quest of self-discovery that I will also discover how to exorcise these demons of deceit from the Heaven which was ours, which I still carry within my heart, and which I will always carry within my heart to my dying day.

Because understand, My Love: it's not our love that is tainted; but rather it is we who are tainted in the presence of an untaintable love, a love that can never be tainted and that waits patiently for each of us to expell that which is tainted within us. Like sunbathers removing bulky clothes before lying out in the sun, clothes that would bake them if not removed in the presence of the sun, we too must remove our oppressive emotions and negative energies from our hearts in order to bask in the warming rays of love's radiance.

A goddess you once were, and a goddess you shall be once again, my sweet Nancy.